What Should I Feel

Log Info

• Title: What Should I Feel
• Emitter: Cryosanthia
• Characters: Cryosanthia, Auranar, Seldan
• Place: A10: Temple of Daeus
• Time: Friday, April 10, 2020, 2:30 PM
• Summary: Cryosanthia is researching with Auranar in the Temple of Daeus again when Seldan arrives with news of Zeke's location. Cryo seems indifferent and the paladin storms off. The indifference is a mask which slips once the man is gone, and Auranar calls her on it. The causes Cryo to demand the wild elf tell her what to feel because it's all overwhelming. Auranar says to feel it all and Cryo has a loud, vocalizing breakdown where she laments how she has failed. The elf advises her, and this is enough to finish the process she started with her night swim, and address her emotions. They are still overwhelming, but she is functional again and leaves to find her cihuaa in Mictlan.

-=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=<* A10: Temple of Daeus *>=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--=-

The temple of the Sun Lord glitters golden beneath the same. Rather than walls, the majority of the temple is composed of what appears at first blush to be a raised round platform made of one of the largest slabs of marble likely in existence. Columns rise into the air as if to hold some massive ceiling, though instead of a normal ceiling, one finds the deep blue sky, studded by a disconcertingly close canopy of bright stars. One should not worry, however, as the rain never falls, and the wind never blows on this particular temple, but for a gentle breeze, whatever the weather outside may be.

Despite the austerity of the columns, warmth suffuses the grounds. A grand, marble statue of the Shining Knight stands a the center, a hand outstretched in benediction. Beside Him, the statue of Althea, their hands clasped in love. The central position of the temple to the others gives view to all of their children, and the two look upon one another with the solemnity of love that has been the center of so many tales and legends.

Masterfully designed mana lamps provide further soft, golden lightning where needed, their pedestals carved in the form of the Dragons of Light, over which Daeus is said to have dominion in His form of Draco Solis. Majesty, justice, and welcome suffuse the temple grounds. Around the central temple are a series of smaller buildings, each with a simple function and form. One houses the sacred book depicting some of the earliest known translations of the Laws of Light, which pilgrims from near and far come to visit. Another houses the well-appointed quarters of the Sunguards, and among all the ground bristle the Sunblades.

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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-  Appearing, in Order  -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Cryosanthia  6'9"     267 Lb     Sith-Makar        Female    A dashingly tall, elegant white-scaled lizard woman.
Auranar      4'8"     123 Lb     Wild Elf          Female    A wild elf with dark skin and a red dress
Seldan       5'11"    187 Lb     Human             Male      Ginger-blonde human in armor wearing Eluna's symbol.
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The records room of the Temple of Daeus. It's where the Temple's records are stored, scrolls, ancient scrolls, notebooks, pamphlets and tomes. The birth's and death's of the faithful, records regarding past infections and tragedies. Obviously, some things are incomplete, missing or destroyed, but the scribes have been dilligent and made an effort to create a decent archive.

Zeke used this information to create the maps showing the disappearances, attacks by Kol, and Demon appearances. Cryosanthia has pulled all the same source material and is going through it. Records from the Explorer's Guild that seem related to her topics were requested. These Adventurer reports each have a small book with some maps, various details, although the quality varies. There's a lot to go through, the maps weren't made in a day, and sorting through everything is tedious and mind-bending.

Cryosanthia finishes working with a scroll. She sets down her quill and stretches her arms back, behind her head. "There, that's a master list of everything."

At her side, slightly to the side of the table is a dark-skinned elvish woman with hair that has been dyed pink in gradation from its natural black. At first glance and even second glance she practicaly screams 'civilian'. It's the delicate dress she wears and the fact that there are ink-stains on the sleeves of her dress from the long hours at work with Cryosanthia. It's also the fact that she doesn't appear to have a single weapon on her. Instead she has her nose studiously in a book, and her fingers are working quickly to take notes on the report that she's delved into. She blinks at Crysoanthia's statement and looks up so that she can eye the list that Cryosanthia puts down and lets out a soft sigh. "It's both comforting and somehow a little bit saddening to know that everything we've done can be boiled down to this little list."

The sound of armored footfalls down the hall pauses just outside the records room. It is not so heavy as the usual clanking of the walking tin cans that normally frequent many temples, but it is armor all the same. Presently, the door opens, and a ginger-blonde man in armor that looks more like moonlight than sunlight, and more metal than either, and the blue and silver more typical to the Seeress' faithful looks decidedly out of place here. He is serious, focused, and ... perhaps just a touch diffident, bowing politely to Auranar, although his attention is on the sith-makar.

The white-scaled sith-makar nods. She seems relaxed and wears her decorative wizarding robes, which also have ink stains on the sleeves. Although fixing that is a moment of concentration. When she speaks, she sounds normal enough, although neutral. A lot of reading has dropped her into an academic mode. "I try not to think I might have saved decades if I had come to research the books first. It's demoralizing to see what was known and never really passed on. That field investigation yesterday helped a lot, we could have been much further ahead if someone had acted then. I console myself I wouldn't be so used to sitting and writing without my time away."

Cryosanthia looks up from where she's writing and gazes at Seldan.

It's the sound of footsteps that draws Auranar's attention at first, and then she blinks in surprise at the sight of the ginger-blonde man who enters the room with a polite bow to her and far more attention given to the sith at her side. Regardless, she makes her own low nod to the man, her black eyes weighing him but briefly. Whatever measure she takes of him doesn't play out on her face but she does speak up. "Hello. Are you a messanger from the Elunan temple?" She subtly leans closer to Cryosanthia and seems ready to hop out of her seat at a moments notice.

"Not precisely, but I bear a message." The young man's voice is colored with a distinct, although light, Myrrish accent, and he speaks crisply and clearly, watching Cryosanthia closely. "I believe that I know where Zeke is."

Cryosanthia doesn't react. She sets her quill on the table. She glances over at Auranar, and while there's no additional cues it seems to be to ensure she's still there. That she hasn't jumped out of her seat. The sith returns to facing the human, having to look up, but only slightly.

"That news would have delighted me a few days ago. Now, I don't care. Tell me and when I can no longer sit I will investigate."

Her eyes are empty, her voice flat, dryer than before. As if she swallowed all the dust in the books at once.

Auranar looks between the two, her eyes unable to settle. She coughs delicately. "I would not tell her at all." Her words are somewhat stiff. "I still say that whatever happened that you should move on. Find someone else. Someone who's not..." She trails off, but her words hang there anyways in the air between them.

She eyes the man she doesn't know with just a faintest hint of displeasure. "If you know where he is take back the word that she's better off without him. That's my two-cents."

"I see." The answering tone from the human turns cool and distant, as much like moonlight as the play of the lamplight on his armor. "Tracks indicate that he left Alexandria by the north gate, and the guards confirm it. Very well, then. He and his people have been there in my need. I shall be there in his." With that cryptic comment, he turns and leaves, closing the door with a soft *click* behind him. The armored footsteps return down the hall whence they came, and soon are gone.

"Mictlan." The white-scale sith says, turning back to the disappearance records and making dots on the map. "And I am no longer one of the people. Fair, I suppose. I don't belong anywhere. No details of what happened, no explanation after days of waiting to hear. He will solve my problem and I don't need to be informed."

The quill breaks as Cryo makes a dot. That seems to draw a reaction. Her fingers tense and she crushes it in her hand. There's quite the ink-spatter. She flicks her fingers and her gloves glow, she very carefully uses one finger to magical erase the mistake. "If only it were that easy. I do not hate Zeke, Auranar. I don't care. I don't feel anything."

"You're lying." Auranar says softly. "You're /making/ yourself feel nothing. All your words just now? Did you hear yourself? They prove that you're feeling something. You just don't want to face up to whatever it " She sighs and leans back in her seat, tilts her head at the sith-makar. Clearly curiosity has her, but she doesn't speak her question.

"What should I feel!" Cryosanthia faces the wild elf. Auranar isn't a mul'niessa, isn't from charn, is too tall and has interesting hair. She's not the enemy, but she's close, and the leash on Cryo's mind is looser when she looks at her. Cryo has crazy eyes, glittering, like fireworks are going off inside those cold, hard gems.

"Should I feel Angry? At him, for doing what I tried to do? At Seldan, for getting lucky two times and not three? At HER for putting it in my mind in the first place? Should I bargain, here is money, bring back my foundling? Zeke may have killed him with the plague, to ask that question is to invite more pain? Grief? For a child I barely remember because my memories are stolen. Guilt? Remorse. Shock. Despair. Hope. Search this ruination of ash and find a joke within? Peace? Happiness? Acceptance that the worst possible thing has happened? It's too much! To feel! WHAT SHOULD I FEEL!"

Auranar leans forward. "Feel it ALL. To be shocked, and horrified, and full of despair is what it is to be /alive/. Then when you've shed your sorrows you can find joy again." She looks mildly upset suddenly, swallowing and finally reaching out to take Cryosanthia's hand. To hold it whether the sith-makar wills it or no. "I don't know what's happening. I don't understand, but I know what it's like to lose someone you love. To lose /everyone/ you love. It's like dying yourself but you have to keep limping along. You have to LIVE for them. Make peace and wreck a little peace of the world in their name. It's okay. You're not alone."

Cryosanthia takes her hand, then pulls her closer. It's swift, almost feeling like the prelude to an attack, but the attack is a hug instead. She embraces Aurnar, wrapping her arms around, holding tightly. Her body starts to shake, and a loud wailing moan starts up, a call in her throat that vibrates hard against the wild-elf's shoulder. Deep, dirge like, to carry though jungles and water, louder on the hard surfaces of the Dragonfather's temple. The sith sounds out her broken soul and all the sharp pieces of it that keep cutting. Her hands tightening to hold onto Auranar's clothes. She is loud, signalling all, she sings her grief with her species' calls.

At first all Auranar does is hold Cryosanthia, hugging her back as best she can with her smaller frame. But after a moment she's crying too, the mournful sound is just too much to not shed at least a few tears over. Remembering those that she'd lost is a hard thing, but she shelves that ancient pain away and lets Cryosanthia use her to spill hers out.

Cryosanthia is not fully rational at the moment, and she clutches at Auranar as if she was Menel, or Zeke, or Faran. Her memories that keep slipping away. Her world, which is broken, which she keeps breaking by lashing out in the wrong ways when she's injured. Her impulses, driven by fears, which make her gamble with destructive risk. "I should have searched! I should have guarded! I should have known he would outsmart! I should have not trusted others. I wasn't there for Menel. I wasn't there for Zeke! I wasn't there!"

She's staring, at the wall, her vision stuck on the seam between three blocks. Her pupils wide, her eyes dark. Her recriminations turn back into her throaty wail of grief and despair. Something unbearable has happened, I am broken. I can't go on.

"You can't change the past. You can't go back. Don't hurt yourself thinking of what should have been." Auranar's voice is a gentle counterpoint to Cryosanthia's recriminations of ehrself. "All you can do is now. Be there for the ones that you love /now/. Tell them every day that you love them. So that they don't ever have reason to wonder if they are cared for. Love deeper for your loss. Let it teach you." She repeats the words so that Cryosanthia can hear them, so that she'll know them.

That gets through. Auranar's words. The past is the past but there is hope, if one isn't stuck in it, if one looks forward and acts on the lessons. She asks inwardly, on a subconscious level, her soul, her inner dragon make an appeal: oh iceberg of emotions, too big to feel, if you will not melt will you turn so another side is up, one scoured by water and depths that will shine in the sun so this one can act? The weight of the elf's words are enough to tip the balance as they settle upon. The lump of incomprehensible ice rolls in an instant and Cryosanthia's thoughts re-align.

"I need to get there. Before everything screws up more. I need to save what I can." Cryo releases Auranar, she's still shaking, her eyes dark, but there's sunlight inside her now.

Auranar smiles sadly. "Do what you have to do. Just... take care of yourself. I'll take care of these reports in the meantime." She glances toward the door. "I take it that means that you'll be taking off after messanger-boy then?"

"I'm going to find my mate. If I run over him on the way I run over him, but I'm not stopping to talk." Cryosanthia smiles, keeping her nose dipped so her teeth don't show too intimidatingly. She's already sweeping to her feet and moving around the book laden table.

"Thank you. For the unsolicited help, for being patient, for your thoughts and understanding. For... not letting me drive you off. I owe you. I've been leaning very hard on everyone I know, and I'm quite heavy, you shouldn't have had to suffer me. Thank you. I'll be back, I still want to finish this, but there are people that need to hear 'I love you'."

She's looking right at Auranar, as she says the words, then perhaps feeling a little awkward she adds enthusiastically, "You are so smart!"

The elvish woman looks a touch embarrassed at the complement, but she shakes her head. "Just experianced. And... since I've already given my two cents worth - apologize to your friends. They've been worried about you and you've been... cooped up inside yourself since we met the other day. They need to know that you care about them too." She smiles. "Now, go on and get out of here. I've got this."

"That's... yeah... I should... Thanks! I will! Bye." Cryosanthia is gone in a swirl of clothing and a flashing tail.